Home - what does it mean? I'm not really sure there is only one definition but being here makes me think about it quite a bit. I refer to home in a few ways being here. The first is America. When I talk about a friend from home, it means that I'm not talking about someone here in Israel. I have friends all over the country, not just in NY, but compared to here, home is America. Sometimes, home means anywhere but Israel. For example, a friend from camp is a friend from home because camp is in America and that is where my normal life is, and even if the person does not live in America, my association with that person is from NY. Sometimes, home means Port Washington, where I grew up and my parents still live. I love that house (despite mom and dad changing lots of things when they I'm not there) and the memories I have there. I don't really consider Long Island home because anytime I go to mom and dad's, it's just to the house in PW, not because I have any connection to LI. I go home to be with family. It's to enjoy dad's home cooking or throw some laundry in the washing machine. It's to sit around and watch TV all together, or, more commonly, all in different rooms but watching the same thing (Grey's Anatomy, anyone?). It's being in a place that is safe and familiar. Sometimes, home means New York City, where I have lived for the last 2 years (with the exception of the summers) and loved my life (with the exception of the roaches and mice). I have a great apartment, great friends that live nearby, and living in Manhattan really put me in my element of excitement, always living life on the edge, jumping on a bus or a subway in a matter of minutes to go to a restaurant, hockey game, or birthday party of a friend. This past week, that's the home I've really started to miss. It hasn't been a bad week by any means. I didn't get into a fight or an argument with anyone here. I haven't been sick. I haven't done poorly in Ulpan. I haven't been told off by any rude Israelis. I haven't cried of homesickness. But I think after a month of living a life that isn't as routine as I know, and being thrown into this brand new situation so suddenly, it finally hit me. I love my life back in NYC and naturally, I miss it. No biggie. For right now, this is a temporary home. I'm not sure I can really see this city or this country becoming my permanent home, although I am open to the idea of my mind changing over the next few months, or some other indefinite period of time (if that's what happens). At this point, there are too many things that I love back in NYC and also too many things here that just don't sit with me so well.
The cats in this country are really ridiculous. I can't walk less than 10 feet on the sidewalk without seeing at least one cat. There are usually between 2 and 10 cats in each dumpster, some hiding under cars, others perched on ledges. They are all stray and they are all garbage pickers, they must all have diseases. I don't like cats anyway, even in someone's home, but this is really out of control. They are everywhere! The government doesn't do anything about it either. At least there are no rats!
On the upside, Israelis are very casual when it comes to dressing up - for work, for Shabbat, for life cycle events. And this is good news for me! Back home, everyone knows I am the one who would love to show up somewhere in sweats and a hoodie or jeans and a t-shirt, rather than fancy garb. I don't go to bars that don't let you in if you are wearing sneakers. Because I think it's wrong to even have a dress code for socializing. People here go to work in jeans all the time. It's acceptable here, it's casual. Even weddings are casual - sometimes people show up in khaki pants and a white top. For Shabbat, people go to synagogue in jeans. People also dress up in button down shirts, or dresses, nice jewelry, nice shoes. But you can definitely get away without it, which is nice. I was once told I dress like a camp counselor, even when not in camp, so in this regard, I have found my niche.
Switching topics completely, another downside to life here is that Israelis are pushy. Literally, pushy. On the streets, in the grocery stores, waiting in line at the shuk. Of course not all Israelis, but a fair amount of them! And they know this. And everyone living here knows this. I know what crowded streets are like. I live in Manhattan. I purposely avoid Times Square and other touristy places because I like having my own bubble of personal space. Israel is a small country. It's very European in a lot of ways - the streets are smaller, therefore the cars are smaller. Space is less available so the grocery store still has to have the same number of items and aisles and cashiers, but more people are crowded into them. Therefore, my personal bubble goes bye-bye. On buses, people just push and push until you move. No, "Selicha," or "Excuse me," just pushing until they get enough space to walk by. Have some common courtesy people, and I'll move out of your freekin' way. Otherwise, I'm just gonna play NYer and push right back at you.
Gender roles and issues in Israel, specifically Jerusalem, piss me off. First, let me say that Judaism views women in a very unique way: women are innately very spiritual beings, so the commandment for public prayer (prayer in the synagogue as opposed to as home) only applies to men. If a woman WANTS to pray publicly, that's fine, but she is not commanded to do so as is a man. This is how women's roles at home developed. While the men were praying in synagogue, the women would cook and clean the house and take care of the children. Women are also the ones who educate the children Jewishly. When I voice my problem with all of this, oftentimes the response of the person with whom I am speaking is, "But women are more spiritual than men, that's why." And I just don't buy it. I am not a very spiritual person at all. The only way I'm even getting close to any kind of prayer is probably in a synagogue, with others, whether they are men or women. Take the Western Wall (the Kotel) as an example. There are 2 sides - one for men, and one for women (which is clearly smaller because of the commandment for men to pray but not women). There is a mechitza (separation wall) in between so that the men aren't "distracted by the women's beauty and lose focus on their prayers." Seriously? You are distracted by women's beauty and can't focus on prayer? If you want to focus on reading a book, you sit down and read a book. If you want to focus on a football game, you go to a bar, drink some beers, and watch a game. If you want to focus on repairing something at home that's broken, you bust out the toolbox and find the hammer and nails. You can't pray without thinking of women if you see they are praying also? I think it's bogus. Get your minds out of the gutter, dudes. Bottom line is, orthodox synagogues (which is about 90% of synagogues in Israel) separate men and women in some way, physically. Not really motivating for me to go to a synagogue if my only other friend interested in going is a dude. Because then, I'm sitting and feeling alone, not connected, and I'm not really there. I guess I kind of understand that this works for some people, but it definitely does not work for me.
Because men have the commandment to pray publicly, the Torah talks about having a minyan (traditionally ten men but I read it as ten people) for certain things (such as the Mourner's Prayer or the Grace after the Meal). A number of times since I've been here, I have blatantly not been counted toward this minyan. The person counting people, ahem, men, will take a man, who doesn't even know how to read Hebrew, over me, a fairly well educated Jewish person, correction, woman. I know how to read Hebrew, I know a good portion of the Grace after the Meal (at least the part that is read or sung aloud) but they'd rather have a man sitting there who can't even read the words in the book. In the last 5 weeks, I have learned not to argue with the person coordinating this minyan, but just to calmly walk away. I don't even want to be close by if I will not be counted toward this minyan. Call it feminism, call it egalitarianism, just simply call it inclusivity. When you know you are a part of something greater than yourself, you want to be included in that, not alienated from your own community, your own people.
As Jews, we fight amongst ourselves far too much. The extremes are far too extreme for us to all get along. How will we ever be able to establish our legitimacy in this anti-semitic world if we can't even get along with each other? I really think we as the Jewish people have some big problems. Clearly, the state of Israel is at risk from its location on the globe. Constantly fighting a war. Millions of people in the world hate us. Shouldn't we be bonded together, ourselves, to fight against this hatred? Instead, we can't even come to any agreements about ourselves and how we live our lives. I don't think we will ever all agree on ways to pray, who will be counted in a minyan, what customs we practice, but we need to try and understand each other and compromise. I guess that's what this country is sometimes all about. A democratic government trying to rule over a Jewish state. Makes for a very complex social dynamic in this country.
Those are my thoughts for now. Who knows what I will be thinking next week or in 3 months or next year? I am open to change, I am open to new thoughts, I am open to new experiences. We'll see what happens...
Really relate to your comments about 'home' - living in a new country, on my own, for the first time, has left me in no doubt (so far) about where my home is. If nothing else, it is nice to know.
ReplyDeleteRegarding being considered a person: first, there are seperate, but no less important, challenges as a man, since the tendency is just to not consider my privilege, which I think is even worse. Second, at least it's something to be thankful for that we are living in the first generation where there are many egalitarian Jewish options.